Crusty the Dog Relives Becoming Obama’s Dinner
By Jean A. Seersucker, California-licensed extrasensory psychopathologist and state-certified medium, as first published in the Journal of Animal Seance.
When my editors gave me the task of attempting to psychically locate a dog’s spirit from over forty years ago, my first inclination was to balk. After all, the animal spirit world was notoriously feisty, and running in a pack of mangy animals for more than an hour gave me the post-seance impulse to furiously itch fleas. But when they told me the case involved the President of the United States, I had to bite.
Vile rumors were floating around the Internet that the president had eaten dog as a child, leveled by right-wingers after Romney was caught taking his Irish Setter Seamus on vacation in a non-state-approved manner. Reading the blog of Rusty the Dog, who types about the scandal, I became increasingly incensed that this Mormon dog-hater would dare to become my president. As a fervent Obama supporter, I had to clear our wonderful president’s name, lest the racists win.
It turns out that Obama admits eating the dog? This was a bit of a revelation for me. But I could definitely relate to his reasoning. His father Lolo apparently was a believer in Islam, mixed up with some syncretist bits of Buddhism and Hindu. This was what I was able to dig up from Dreams From My Father:
With Lolo, I learned how to eat small green chill peppers raw with dinner (plenty of rice), and, away from the dinner table, I was introduced to dog meat (tough), snake meat (tougher), and roasted grasshopper (crunchy). Like many Indonesians, Lolo followed a brand of Islam that could make room for the remnants of more ancient animist and Hindu faiths. He explained that a man took on the powers of whatever he ate: One day soon, he promised, he would bring home a piece of tiger meat for us to share.
On the down side, our president thinks he might have eaten canine flesh. On the up side, I should be able to locate the dead dog’s spirit through the president! I had my crucial lead and proceeded to assemble my assistants and my materials: a crystal ball, tea candles, and a can of Alpo.
Continued at Conservative Daily News.