My Evening with Hirman Cane

I am publishing here an email I received in my Inbox this morning. It was signed “Anonymous,” and I will do my best to protect the identity of the victim.

Dear sur, you may have seen da media reports about Hirman Cane sayin’ that some two little floozies accused him of sexshal harassment. Since I done told da Politico about my story, the media has gone hog wild making all sorts of ackyuzashins about da victims. Well one of dem victims is me.

I just wanted to set the recahd straight about what happend. It was an ordinarry evening working at the Nashinal Restorant Associashon when I met Hirman Cane.  He was tall and handsome, but der was something about him I didnt trust. When he sed dat he was going to take me for a tor of one a his restorants, I was immedyatly suspishis.  I didnt know what makin a pizza had to do with being a corprat secretary, who had evry right to a job under affirmitive ackshin laws. He told me dat maybe I might be intristed in seeing how a restorant bizness works, so I sed OK Ill go wich you.

When we arrived at da restorant in his Mersadees Benz, I thot I saw him looking at my backside when I left da car.  But I didnt say anything cuz I thot, “Hey, Mr. Cane looks like an onest guy and he wouldn’t do dat to me.” We went into da Pizza Hut and he took me to da backroom, wer day make da pizzas. He asked me if I wanted to see sum pepperoni, and I told him, “No, Mr. Cane, I don’t want to see your pepperoni.” But he laft and axed me “why not?” And I thot he was rude and sexshaly obseen from dat moment forwerd.

It only got wers. He kept offerin to show me sausage and other kindza meats. I was embarassed. How coud such a nice man like Mr. Cane keep hittin on me? I was afraid he wuz gona rape me right der.

But da werst part was when we went to da oven and he handed me a pizza and axed me if I wanted to put it in. That was da last straw. So I ran out da place and called my atterny who told me we could sue him for millions if we want to, but I didnt cuz Im nice. We only took one years pay, small price for a brokin heart and lost job.

This is my story da best I recollekt it. I cannot say no mo cuz I’m under a confidenchality agreement. If you wants to no mo, please contak my lawyur.

P.S. If you woud like to contribyute to ma legal defens fund or make a book offur, pleas contak my agint.

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4 thoughts on “My Evening with Hirman Cane

    1. I’m sorry, I forgot to check with the Ministry of Culture and now I do see here in Art. 12, Sec. 11 of the Uniform Standard Code of Satire that all fictional characters used in tongue-in-cheek humor must be written as a white educated person. Thank you for clarifying, Rob.

      By the way, there is a serious point to this, but I shouldn’t have to explain it.

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