Halloween Special: Monsters of the Beltway

This Halloween, the ongoing horror show of runaway government is supplanting tired movie marathons as a source of nail-biting fear. Ghouls and goblins ain’t got nothing on Washington politicians, whose wanton spending, shameless corruption, and fly-by-night power grabs are putting thrills into the lawless left and chills down the spines of American citizens.

The cast of characters are as scary as our national debt and as ugly as the mainstream media since the government shutdown.


Barackula is renowned for his ability to suck taxpayers dry. He feeds on large deficits and mesmerizes his prey with multi-trillion dollar spending. An outstanding liar, he is known to woo his victims with the phrases “infrastructure spending” and “shovel ready jobs,” euphemisms for burying small businesses in his economic graveyard. A telltale sign of this villain’s presence is if you are standing in front of a mirror and all you see is Barackula’s face. Another key power is his tendency to transform into a bat and flit away at the first sign of questioning. The vampire thrives in media darkness and obscurity, and it is said that shining sunlight into his past is the surest way of dispelling the creature’s powers. Another way to repel the fiend is to tack a copy of The Constitution on your door, or repeat the word “freedom” until he disappears.

Barney Frankenstein

A creation of the banking industry, Barney Frankenstein has the portly frame of a retired NFL defensive lineman and the brain of an “Abby Normal” idiot.  Known for his difficulty speaking, he often splutters uncontrollably when confronted. His greatest fear-inducing quality is his mindless stomping through the American economy, crushing entire villages underneath his giant boots. With his doppelganger imps Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, he nearly destroyed the entire housing mortgage market. The tea party, with all their torches and pitchforks, could not bring the beast down. Greatly to be feared.

The Wicked Witch of the West Coast

As Speaker of the House, the Wicked Witch of the West Coast has a cackle that inspires terror in taxpayers’ hearts. Rumored to be a relic of the Middle Ages, she keeps up her plastic appearance through constant cosmetic surgery and botox injections. Instead of the traditional gnarled wand, this witch carries a heavy oaken gavel, which she uses to pound her opposition. Her incantations on the House floor have bewitched Americans with incomprehensible regulations, torturous laws, and indecipherable codes, which keep citizens spellbound. Although she unleashed the flying monkeys of ACORN during the 2010 elections, the tea party was able to douse her with a bucket of water and thus break her spell.

“Igor” McCain

The only monster of the beltway not affiliated with the Demoncrats. His lurching posture and willingness to serve the purposes of his leftwing masters makes him a formidable ally.  Posing as a maverick, he is known to attack from out of nowhere, hitting his hapless  supporters where it hurts most. When cornered, he can lash out in fits of rage and fury, gritting his teeth and hissing and spitting. At times, he may appear to be helping the Republicans, while stabbing them in the back. A treacherous character, and it is wisest to avoid him completely.

“Wolfman” John Holdren

A truly frightening individual, John Holdren is a Barackula stooge and “Science Czar.” His propensity to transform from respectable scientist to depopulation-advocating, forced sterilization-supporting abortion-monger is well-known and terrifying. Those in the Obama administration often have to chide him not to scratch fleas and lick himself during meetings. Every full moon, he barks at the moon with his environmentalist supporters, who also seek to commune with nature. His bearded visage and glasses hide his wolfish tendencies, but don’t be fooled. His favorite supper is sheeple, and there is no shortage of supply.

Bride of Frankestein-Schultz

A succubus with a devilish tongue and flaming hot temper, this sassy tart has a vicious temper and is able to claw her way to the top among the big boys. Striking is her unkempt shock of hair, a gray stripe electrifyingly enhancing her fearsome presence.  With the voice of a wild banshee, her shriek can liquify men’s bones and melt their trembling hearts. She is the ex-wife of Barney Frankenstein, who she discovered had lost his love for the ladies. In a fit of rage one night, she ripped Barney’s balls from his corpulent body and crushed them triumphantly in her claws. Her reputation quickly spread as a horrific maneater, whose glassy gaze can burns holes through her testicle-endowed critics. One of the foulest mouthed, nastiest, wretched wraiths belched up from the depths of hell, she is poised to take her seat by the throne of Barackula, who is said to have found her quite enchanting.


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