The Democrat Party: We Need Less Democracy

In a stunning reversal, the Democrat Party has updated its party platform heading into the November 2012 national elections to include, “rolling back this messy democracy thing.”

The Democrat Party explains:

We gave it a good go, America. Democracy has served our country well. It gave our constituents a bunch of goodies by the sweat of other people’s brows, cushioned our air-conditioned staff lounges, and made sure that even the most petty social activist can reach the soaring heights of elected office. We don’t have to tell you how much we appreciate that after sneezing under oath, one can retire with full pay and the bennies. That’s not the point.

We’ve reached a stage now where we’re having a different crisis every day – a terrible place for a country to be – and we have put it upon ourselves to take all the decision-making out of your hands. Don’t worry, now – that’s our job.

Let’s face it, we’re smarter than you people. We have our ivy league degrees, and the time we spent at that one conference in Cancun last year, what was it – Public Policy: Who Needs It? – and we feel it would be inappropriate for you to tell us how to do our jobs. We’re so much more advanced than that, and we wouldn’t want you to blow a neuron trying to keep up with us.

So although we’re going to keep the name “Democratic Party,” trademarks and copyrights, you see, we’re going to have to start doing away with this messy democracy business. Ironically enough, it’s bad for business, and to speak plainly, yall are just interfering.

Now we’ll take good care of you, don’t fret. We are going to give you universal healthcare of the highest quality, retirement pensions starting at age 40 (with good behavior), free education, free college, and no more of that nasty military business. We’re going to go ahead and cut that out, hope you don’t mind. We will also give you free food, free shelter, free clothing, free wi-fi, free computers, free cable television…these are all human rights now, and no one can ever take them away from you. This is all predicated on your perfect amenability to these arrangements, I’m sure you understand.

Anyways, it’s been fun America. We enjoyed these little election exercises. It gave everyone a chance to get out for a while, get some fresh air, finally meet your neighbors. But you see, it’s all such a waste of time and energy. Things would be so much more efficient and just plain better if we could attend to our duties of ruling you without your interference. And we don’t mean to meddle, it’s all a part of making a better world, and we want you to comply.

Take care, America. We hope you like your new masters. If not, you can always call us  at 1-800-4YR-GOOD and a professional citizen service representative will try to contact you within the next 24 hours (due to high volume, we cannot always ensure prompt response).

Most sincerely, The Democrat Party

The Democrat Party, when asked to comment, did not return our phone calls.

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