No One Expects the Scientific Inquisition
Tea party terrorists are rejoicing across the USA for finally defeating science. Backwater hicks from Killdevil Hills, North Carolina to Bullhead City, Arizona will be shooting off their muskets like a bunch of inbred, NASCAR-watching Palestinians after they get their oil-stained fingers on the latest copy of Nature Journal of Science, once considered the leading scientific journal in the world.
What will the country bumpkins be hootin’ and hawlerin’ about, besides Jeff Gordon’s recent win in the AdvoCare 500? The scientific rag takes umbrage with anthropogenic global warming theory based on an elaborate climate replication study that took place at CERN, the fancy-shmancy European Organization for Nuclear Research, whose credibility was already in doubt after refuting Al Gore’s claim that he invented the Internet.
What does this so-called study have to say? Well, I downed some Pepto-Bismol and did deep background in enemy territory on one of Breitbart’s Big (Fat-assed) websites [Editor’s note: The following are all LIES!]:
Nature Journal of Science, ranked as the world’s most cited scientific periodical, has just published the definitive study on Global Warming that proves the dominant controller of temperatures in the Earth’s atmosphere is due to galactic cosmic rays and the sun, rather than by man. One of the report’s authors, Professor Jyrki Kauppinen, summed up his conclusions regarding the potential for man-made Global Warming: “I think it is such a blatant falsification.”
The research was conducted by CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, which invented the World Wide Web, built the multi-billion dollar Large Hadron Collider, and now has constructed a pristinely clean stainless steel chamber that precisely recreates the Earth’s atmosphere. The climate study involved scientists representing 17 of Europe’s and America’s premiere research institutes. The results demonstrate that cosmic rays promote the formation of molecules that can grow and seed clouds in the Earth’s atmosphere; the temperatures then fall as the density of the clouds increase. Because the sun’s magnetic field controls how many cosmic rays reach Earth’s atmosphere; the sun determines the temperature on Earth.
The sun determines the…what the f***? Where the hell have these supposed “scientists” been for the last three and a half decades since manmade global cooling was debunked? Carbon dioxide drives the climate! Only carbon dioxide!
I bet if you rip off the white lab coats of these suspiciously scraggly research scientists, you’ll find Gadsden t-shirts and half-eaten packages of slim jims in their pocket protectors. What pumpkin truck did these PhDs. fall off of?
A recent study of our own shows teatards to be among the most ardent climate science deniers in the country. And if the “vast majority of scientists” show manmade global warming to be an undeniable scientific fact, that only leads one group of deniers: The tea party!
We need to form an inquisition into just who is behind this phony science. Oil-company funded tea partiers posing as research scientists, I suspect. So let it be written, so let it be done:
In the early years of the 21st century, to combat the rising tide of scientific unorthodoxy, the IPCC gave Nobel-prize and Academy award-winning Al Gore leave to move without hindrance throughout the land, in a reign of violence, terror, and torture that makes a smashing documentary. This is the Scientific Inquisition.
What kind of world would it be if rogue tea party scientists are able to challenge the prevailing pre-determined wisdom on matters of scientific truth? Why, it would be anarchy! Progressives stand for science and truth, and that’s the end of the debate.
Now go back to your rallies, you anti-science hillbillies. The Scientific Inquisition will soon be after you.