Democrats Propose National “War on Death”
In accordance with the Obamacare mandate, the Democrats have unveiled a measure symbolizing the party’s finest principles: the Death Equality Program (DEP). Already being hailed in bi-partisan fashion, the program seeks to correct the social injustice of humans dying at different ages by capping life expectancy at age 32.
The program would be administered by a senior blue ribbon panel of experts that would address the nationwide epidemic of “death randomness.” Justified on the wholesome Democrat values of death and equality, the DEP seeks to correct the role luck plays in in bourgeois society, as John Rawls lamented.
Dr. Zack Trevorkian, an analyst with the lobbying firm Morticians International, has already detected a problem in that some people die younger than age 32. In that case, he explained, the death ceiling would have to be lowered.
But how low is too low? That’s one question being asked by Planned Parenthood, which has already filed a petition to define life as originating outside the womb. Death industry analyst Sally Lungardner explains that if the death ceiling is dropped too low, it might cut into Planned Parenthoods’ vital abortion operations.
“The danger we run is that by dropping the maximum age limit in the name of equality,” Dr. Lungardner argued, “we will eventually come upon the age-old conception of when life begins – inside or outside the womb. For if we get rid of the seniors first, obviously, we will be left with a population of 32 and under. The mean age would redistribute downward, to say, 24, and then capping at the mean would again put us in the same dilemma. It is not inconceivable that sooner or later we would be left with only three-year olds running the world. And then who would do the abortions?”
In order to combat what the Democrats claim is widespread “misinformation” and “fearmongering” about their controversial proposal, the party has launched a massive public relations campaign called “The War on Death.” A series of PSAs is to be broadcast on public airwaves, particularly targeted at “vulnerable” audiences like Rush Limbaugh Show listeners, including such titles as “Where’s granny?” and “What is that big needle for?”
Touting the potential long-term savings of such a program, tapped death czar Mike Bloomrose said the program would eventually rescue social safety net programs like Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid from insolvency.
“Occasionally one’s country demands shared sacrifice,” said Bloomrose, sipping an espresso in his posh executive office, “and we all need to get a little skin in the game. Now if you excuse me, I have a round of golf with the president.”
One prominent Republican claimed the program didn’t go far enough in terms of slashing costs and the program would eventually lead to increased taxes.
“Who needs another death tax?” he commented off the record.
Watchdog media groups have already pre-emptively declared that anyone who argues against the DEP is not only racist, but “deathist.”
“We demand fairness and equality in all things, including death,” said Rebecca White, a sophomore at Radcliffe college. “Anyone who disagrees is hateful and probably a deathophobe.”
The measure is being brought to the floor on Tuesday, before a crucial House vote on what kind of light bulbs Americans should be allowed to buy.