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April 18, 2012

2

Crusty the Dog Relives Becoming Obama’s Dinner

by rogueoperator
puppy_01.ashx

By Jean A. Seersucker, California-licensed extrasensory psychopathologist and state-certified medium, as first published in the Journal of Animal Seance.

When my editors gave me the task of attempting to psychically locate a dog’s spirit from over forty years ago, my first inclination was to balk. After all, the animal spirit world was notoriously feisty, and running in a pack of mangy animals for more than an hour gave me the post-seance impulse to furiously itch fleas. But when they told me the case involved the President of the United States, I had to bite.

Vile rumors were floating around the Internet that the president had eaten dog as a child, leveled by right-wingers after Romney was caught taking his Irish Setter Seamus on vacation in a non-state-approved manner. Reading the blog of Rusty the Dog, who types about the scandal, I became increasingly incensed that this Mormon dog-hater would dare to become my president. As a fervent Obama supporter, I had to clear our wonderful president’s name, lest the racists win.

It turns out that Obama admits eating the dog? This was a bit of a revelation for me. But I could definitely relate to his reasoning. His father Lolo apparently was a believer in Islam, mixed up with some syncretist bits of Buddhism and Hindu. This was what I was able to dig up from Dreams From My Father:

With Lolo, I learned how to eat small green chill peppers raw with dinner (plenty of rice), and, away from the dinner table, I was introduced to dog meat (tough), snake meat (tougher), and roasted grasshopper (crunchy). Like many Indonesians, Lolo followed a brand of Islam that could make room for the remnants of more ancient animist and Hindu faiths. He explained that a man took on the powers of whatever he ate: One day soon, he promised, he would bring home a piece of tiger meat for us to share.

On the down side, our president thinks he might have eaten canine flesh. On the up side, I should be able to locate the dead dog’s spirit through the president! I had my crucial lead and proceeded to assemble my assistants and my materials: a crystal ball, tea candles, and a can of Alpo.

Continued at Conservative Daily News.

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2 Comments Post a comment
  1. Former Sergeant
    Apr 19 2012

    To be perfectly honest, I have also eaten dog. But it was by accident. In 2004, I was in Nuristan province and we sent our interpreter to the bazaar for dinner, as MREs were getting old. He came back with a stack of bread and a bag of kebabs. We were getting down on those kebabs when I asked if it was beef or goat. The interpreter replied “Beef, sir. Dog beef.”

    Reply
    • Apr 19 2012

      I don’t mind the idea of eating dog in a Third World hellhole. This is a satirical reaction piece to the Democrats’ attacks on Romney. It mimics some of the left’s appeal to emotion to alert the reader that we are being played and there are bigger fish to fry. Damn, I’m hungry.

      Reply

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