Republicans and Democrats Forge Bipartisan Compromise, Rip Constitution in Half
It was a rainy day at the Capitol building as Republican and Democrat lawmakers gathered to ceremoniously mark the occasion of a historic bipartisan compromise. The two parties put partisan politics aside to work together on a bill that would have seen the complete nullification of the U.S. Constitution. After reaching an impasse along party lines, with all Democrats voting to put the musty old parchment in the shredder “for the good of the children” and all Republicans voting to keep the document around as a quaint memento, the two sides finally arrived at a bi-partisan solution: to rip the Constitution in half.
Symbolically, Democratic Senate Majority leader Harry Reid of Nevada and Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner walked hand-in-hand down the aisle in the Joint Session of Congress, former Speaker Pelosi walking behind them waving a six foot gavel demonstratively. An original copy of The Constitution was nestled under her left arm. As the triumvirate ascended the raised platform before the packed session, the room was buzzing with excitement. The President Barack Obama addressed The Congress. A lightning bolt crackled in the background.
“Beloved members of the ruling class, we have gathered together to mark a solemn moment in U.S. history, yet one full of the promise of hope and change. Moments from now, representatives from the two dominant parties in American politics will approach the national pedestal, from which all the government’s power radiates throughout the land. They will symbolically rip The U.S. Constitution in half.”
The half of the session of Congress marked by Democrats rose to their feet in raucous applause, while the Republican half remained seated yielding only a polite ‘golf clap.’
“Now, some may think this an extreme act. But the Republicans have prudently conceded that it was time to put the national interest ahead of party politics. So in a spirit of bipartisan compromise, we have generously allowed the Republicans to keep half of The Constitution. Not just any half, mind you. We decided to remove Article I on the powers of the legislature, Article IV on the States and guaranteeing a republican form of government, as well as Articles V and VI, which is a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo we just didn’t care for. So Madame Pelosi, if you will turn over The Constitution to Senate Majority Leader Reid, he and Boehner may ascend the steps to the national pedestal.”
After a brief moment of struggle over the document, Madame Pelosi relinquished it to Senator Reid, who approached the national pedestal. President Obama reached under the presidential podium, and produced a flowing purple pulpit gown, which he donned as the party representatives approached.
Mr. Reid took his place to the left of the podium, and Speaker Boehner to the right. A ministerial looking Obama walked around to the center of the stage, and held his arms aloft.
“Senator Reid extend The Constitution to Speaker Boehner. You may grasp the document. Speaker Boehner, hold firmly. Now tear, Senator Reid!”
With a deft jerk of his hand, the Constitutional parchment was rent in two. The Senator held the torn page over his head victoriously. A slow clap began in the hall, and cascaded throughout. A few Republican Senators and Representatives wiped a tear from the corners of their eyes. The Democrats, for their part, rose to their feet and vigorously applauded the Act.
The Constitution had been rent asunder, and all in the spirit of bi-partisan compromise.